I think about this for a very long time now, and to be honest it terrifies me. I realized that maybe art isn’t what I want to do after all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about giving up art, I’m talking about stopping my art studies and do something else. I’m currently in art school that prepares people to 3D animation jobs, game art in general (chara-design, concept artist, etc) or visual effects. Now, this school is very great, teachers are skilled and I feel very happy to be there… or I used to. In this school, I realized there was something I lacked : interest. You know, my classmates spend all their free time drawing in order to improve, they never do their homework last minute, they talk about the latest animation movie they saw, or the exhibition they visited… but I don’t share this mentality at all. I don’t really care for the latest movies, I don’t really care for exhibitions, which is a shame, I know… but I really feel like I’m out of place here, I don’t belong here. Sure, I love to draw, but I guess it’s not what I want to do with my life. I love to contribute to my favorite fandoms and all, but with my mentality, I’m pretty sure I am not made of what a good animator/game designer/chara-designer/etc is. For example, I had like 4 really long assignments to do these past weeks (fill a 120-pages sketchbook, make an hyperrealist portrait of Darth Vader, etc) and the deadline is in three days. I see my classmates on Facebook talking about their own homework, how they did this, how they did that, what could they do to improve their portrait… and I’m here with my 5 pages filled sketchbook and my half-finished portrait (among other things of course). You may call it laziness, and sure, it’s true, but I think it’s also more akin to… disinterest. I am very motivated to draw for myself and everything’s fine, but when I am asked to do something that bores me, it becomes very hard to focus and sometimes, I don’t even start it at all. And you can understand why this is a very big problem in the job I want(ed) to do. Drawing as a hobby is fine, but I think that trying to make it my job was my greatest mistake. I simply don’t have the mentality, the motivation, the skill and the interest required to do it. Because of all this, I don’t even know if I’ll pass this year, and I’m actually getting really worried. Not only I lack motivation, but I honestly can’t say I’m the most skillful person among my classmates, which is why I’m pretty sure I won’t pass this year, unless I kick my own ass and start to handle this properly.
But the thing is, with this realization, I’m not even sure if I want to pass and continue in art school. I think that sometimes, you have to accept that you’re simply not fit for what you thought you wanted to do. I spent two years in art school now, at first I thought it was a dream come true, I wanted to do my best, to improve and to find a job in video game (I’m not even sure what I’d like to do precisely), but now… I feel terrible for my parents, because I am very lucky that they support me even though they think art is not a good career choice. However, they’d like to see me finish my studies soon without wasting time or skipping a year, and if I tell them now that I want to quit, I’m sure they will tell me I already lost enough years (I’m 21 years old, long story short, at 19 years old I was in business and management school, didn’t like it. 20 years old, I was in another art school, didn’t go well. 21 years old, I’m currently in this very great art school but it made me realize that maybe I wasn’t made for this job) and they won’t want to see me start over AGAIN. The fact that my big sister had a smooth career path without ever straying once doesn’t help. I perfectly understand how they feel, and that’s why I feel so miserable at the moment, because I know it’s my fault I am so indecisive and waste my own time. But that’s a fact : I like to draw, I’d love to improve, but not in a professional way. I want to do it as a hobby.
I can’t even say that I have a talent for drawing, however if I had to pick my one true talent, I would say it’s taking care of others. Especially kids and adolescents. Truth be told, I just love them. I also have experience with teaching them. I’m thinking about it for a very long time now and started to wonder if I could not be a teacher. From preschool to elementary school. I know, it might seem like I’m choosing this job on a whim, but the scary thing is, I can imagine myself being a teacher way more than being an artist in games. Once again, I’m very indecisive. Is this really what I want to do ? Would I pass the school exams ? What if I regret it later ? What if I miss art ? This is the most terrifying thought to me : missing art, and regretting it all. However, the only thing I’m sure of is that I would be a way better teacher than the professional artist I could ever dream to be. I know it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, there is no such job like that, but this is what I feel is best for me. Of course, I could be mistaken (after all, I thought for almost two years now that I wanted to be a professional artist), and this is what I’m afraid of.
So yeah, here’s my story. I feel very worried and scared at the moment, I don’t know what I should do, I don’t know if I should even bother with my homework at artschool anymore, I don’t know how to deal with my parents’ reaction (they will surely pressure me into passing this year and continue in art school), I feel lost. But it feels good to get this off my chest, because I kept it bottled up for too long now. Thanks for reading this, and for those who didn’t feel like reading it all, here’s a TL ; DR
TL ; DR : wasted 2 years, currently in art school but realized I love art as an hobby and not as a future job. Would like to switch to a different sector entirely : preschool and elementary school teacher. Afraid of what will happen in the future, of regretting leaving art school, of parents’ reaction and scared of wasting even more years. What should I do ?
Doodle by me